The Bitter Girls’ Diary

I think alcohol should come with a warning label about technology. Three glasses of wine and a visit to MySpace can equal disaster. So two nights in a row I have enjoyed the yummy taste of red wine. And then, once my brain has soaked up all the booze, I decide popping the laptop open and visiting social networking sites is a brilliant idea.

There’s this guy I pined over for about 11 years, yes 11 years. He was my first love that never got very far. We were the best of friends and then in 9th grade we kissed and it all went to the shits. He got all weird and after a while stopped talking to me. Only problem was I never got over him. He was my first kiss and at the very mature age of 14 I decided I wanted him to be the last. Obviously he did not feel the same way. So, a VERY long story short, for years I stalked him. There is no better word to describe my behavior. If i saw him on the street I would follow him. Then in college, I found out where he worked and made many visits to his store. But it only got better with time. I was convinced we were star crossed lovers and that I had to make it work. I tried running into him so many times. We’d see each other and pretend we didn’t know each other. Then I wrote some lame letter telling him I was still in love with him and actually put it in the mail and sent it. I was crushed when I never heard back. Can you say crazy!? So finally on the eve of my 25th birthday I followed him one last time, and realized I was nuts. I stopped cold turkey.

Search after search I found him on MySpace. I don’t know what I was hoping for, but what I did find was that he was in love with a beautiful girl. I cried for a few days and moved on. I had been living in peace for years thinking I was dead to him. I was humiliated at all the stuff I had done and had no desire to see him or talk to him.

Until Sunday night and three bottles of wine later (I had help drinking all that). We were pretty smashed and decided to jump online. I searched for him and found him. It’s then that I had the brilliant idea to email him and apologize for being so crazy and congratulate him on life. Obviously I still have a little crazy in me. I began to draft the email and luckily began sobering up too. I stopped. Closed my laptop and told myself that it was a crazy thing to do.

Monday night I had left over wine that needed to be finished, I obliged. I had a warm buzz going and decided to check email. Seriously, a warning sign would be good! I went to MySpace and told myself I would just look one last time. Then I started drafting the email yet again. I texted my cousin before hitting the send button and she stopped me, thankfully! She did ask a very valid question – what do you think you will acheive from emailing him?

She got me. Fifteen years later I still have a ridiculous ouce of hope that he is my soulmate. I am not in any way attracted to him anymore. I have no idea who he has become, but the 13 year old that lives in my heart is still in love with that 14 year old I met the first day of eighth grade. I’ve cut myself off cold turkey again. No looking on his MySpace page – I have to put $1 in my crush jar everytime I look. On the other hand, one has to wonder why I’m still holding on by a string. And why the universe insists in keeping in proximity of each other – his mother lives on the other side of the street from my mother and we work down the street from each other….