The Bitter Girls’ Diary

That’s a mouthful. The bitter girl who can’t so much as boil water has been baking cakes, cupcakes and even muffins! A regular Betty Crocker if you ask me.

I know it’s been a while but I’ve been working at life all around. Trying to accept myself for who I am and appreciating my job instead of bitching about it everyday. Working? Not really, but at least I tried.

So I’ve been holding out on all of you about my love life – I didn’t want to cut my flowers before they blossomed, but I guess now is as good a time as any. Back in August my “friend” called me and we had a very long conversation about a future together.

Some background – Cranky Pants and I never formally dated. We were never single at the same time, or in the same city. The last time we tried, I said no because I was pursuing a relationship with someone who didn’t live across the country. Long story short, he married his college girl friend who was pregnant with someone else’s baby. Less than a year into it he got divorced, finished grad school, moved back to L.A., and we spent the summer together.

Come the end of the summer when he got a job on the east coast he asked me to move with him. I asked that he define what we were and I would consider it. Seeing as he had just gotten divorced, I understood how he could be a bit commitment phobic, but needed to know what we were. He told me that I needed understand that he never wanted to get married again or have children. The complete opposite of what I want in life and a total deal breaker. That led to a very heated fight where lots of angry words were exchanged. We stopped talking for almost a year.

Fast forward to August when text messages finally lead to a civilized phone conversation.  He said he had thought about everything I said and didn’t fear marriage and kids anymore. We realized we never had a chance and thought “what the hell, lets try this.” He has come out to visit a few times and I went to DC once as well. We have talked about long term, moving, marriage, kids…the whole nine yards. All seems great so far, and fingers crossed, it will all work out. In the back of my mind, though, I still fear one day he will wake-up and say, never mind I’m not the marriage or kids kind. My fears don’t end there. Some think I’m settling out of fear of not being alone and maybe I am. Isn’t it better to be with someone you love and care about than being alone even if you’re not IN love? Then there’s knowing that he will never love me the way he loved his first wife, she was his first love. He did everything under the sun for her. And on that note I’m not pleased at knowing I will be the second wife.

But at the end of it all shouldn’t I just enjoy it and be happy? And that’s why I bake. The connection you ask? Well a lot like my Samantha Jones alter ego, I have a difficult time being faithful, so I stay home and bake instead of going to bars to meet guys. Bitter Betty now the Betty Crocker of 2008.

Or I hope…

It’s been a couple of weeks (err a month?) and I decided to come back to blogging. It’s my ploy to be good at life. I’m not good at life. My friends will tell you this. Not that I’m horrible but I have this utter obsession with being trademark good at life and while I appreciate people telling me no one can be that; I disagree.

So the past few weeks I have been solid about going on one date here and there, nothing beyond that. A few more crazyblinddates. I admit that blind dates don’t freak me out. It’s because I have nothing to lose. I’m much more nervous and anxious about going on dates where I am interested in the person.

So I’m writing again because I started this blog with Betty to get better. I’ll be frank here because if I am ever going to date and like me I should be okay sharing things. That says for the 14 or so (maybe more) people that read this blog. I have neurofibromatosis. Right now the case is pretty mild but it’s really destroyed my self-esteem. No self-esteem makes me pretty worthless at dating. I can’t ever imagine anyone ever wanting to be with me.

My bitterness comes I guess more at myself that at the male population but who ever said I was good at life? I’m working on that.