The Bitter Girls’ Diary

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Bitter Betty Becoming Betty Crocker

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That’s a mouthful. The bitter girl who can’t so much as boil water has been baking cakes, cupcakes and even muffins! A regular Betty Crocker if you ask me.

I know it’s been a while but I’ve been working at life all around. Trying to accept myself for who I am and appreciating my job instead of bitching about it everyday. Working? Not really, but at least I tried.

So I’ve been holding out on all of you about my love life – I didn’t want to cut my flowers before they blossomed, but I guess now is as good a time as any. Back in August my “friend” called me and we had a very long conversation about a future together.

Some background – Cranky Pants and I never formally dated. We were never single at the same time, or in the same city. The last time we tried, I said no because I was pursuing a relationship with someone who didn’t live across the country. Long story short, he married his college girl friend who was pregnant with someone else’s baby. Less than a year into it he got divorced, finished grad school, moved back to L.A., and we spent the summer together.

Come the end of the summer when he got a job on the east coast he asked me to move with him. I asked that he define what we were and I would consider it. Seeing as he had just gotten divorced, I understood how he could be a bit commitment phobic, but needed to know what we were. He told me that I needed understand that he never wanted to get married again or have children. The complete opposite of what I want in life and a total deal breaker. That led to a very heated fight where lots of angry words were exchanged. We stopped talking for almost a year.

Fast forward to August when text messages finally lead to a civilized phone conversation.  He said he had thought about everything I said and didn’t fear marriage and kids anymore. We realized we never had a chance and thought “what the hell, lets try this.” He has come out to visit a few times and I went to DC once as well. We have talked about long term, moving, marriage, kids…the whole nine yards. All seems great so far, and fingers crossed, it will all work out. In the back of my mind, though, I still fear one day he will wake-up and say, never mind I’m not the marriage or kids kind. My fears don’t end there. Some think I’m settling out of fear of not being alone and maybe I am. Isn’t it better to be with someone you love and care about than being alone even if you’re not IN love? Then there’s knowing that he will never love me the way he loved his first wife, she was his first love. He did everything under the sun for her. And on that note I’m not pleased at knowing I will be the second wife.

But at the end of it all shouldn’t I just enjoy it and be happy? And that’s why I bake. The connection you ask? Well a lot like my Samantha Jones alter ego, I have a difficult time being faithful, so I stay home and bake instead of going to bars to meet guys. Bitter Betty now the Betty Crocker of 2008.

Written by bitterbetty

October 21, 2008 at 12:05 am

Posted in Rants

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Time makes the heart grow fonder?

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Or I hope…

It’s been a couple of weeks (err a month?) and I decided to come back to blogging. It’s my ploy to be good at life. I’m not good at life. My friends will tell you this. Not that I’m horrible but I have this utter obsession with being trademark good at life and while I appreciate people telling me no one can be that; I disagree.

So the past few weeks I have been solid about going on one date here and there, nothing beyond that. A few more crazyblinddates. I admit that blind dates don’t freak me out. It’s because I have nothing to lose. I’m much more nervous and anxious about going on dates where I am interested in the person.

So I’m writing again because I started this blog with Betty to get better. I’ll be frank here because if I am ever going to date and like me I should be okay sharing things. That says for the 14 or so (maybe more) people that read this blog. I have neurofibromatosis. Right now the case is pretty mild but it’s really destroyed my self-esteem. No self-esteem makes me pretty worthless at dating. I can’t ever imagine anyone ever wanting to be with me.

My bitterness comes I guess more at myself that at the male population but who ever said I was good at life? I’m working on that.

Written by Rachel

October 20, 2008 at 10:35 pm

A bit different from my usual rants

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So this weekend was interesting to say the least. I usually tend to be a secretive person with the intense things in my life, but I felt I needed to share this one with all the other 20 and 30 something women out there. Much like every other Saturday night, this past Saturday I got dressed, did my hair and make-up and headed out for a night out on the town with my girlfriend. It was just two of us – some people were out of town and our other usual suspect doesn’t exactly enjoy partying and bar hopping anymore.

So anyway, we headed out playing it safe by taking a cab and staying with-in reasonable walking distance from my place. We went to the Saddle Ranch on Sunset – make a note of that location, for after I share my story, you’ll want to remember it – to have a couple of drinks and watch drunk girls fall off the bull. Neither of us were wearing anything too revealing or suggestive. We found a spot at the bar to call home for a few hours, sat down, ordered a couple of drinks and talked amongst ourselves. The bartender walked over, introduced himself and was quite friendly. All good so far. We made conversation with other people around us, and really were just having a good time. Two drinks later the bartender walked over with some pink shots that were on the house. I asked what it was and he responded with “the bartender’s secret recipe” or something to that effect. Without thinking twice, we toasted to the bartender and downed them. We had one more drink, decided it was time to walk over to another bar, closed our tabs and walked to the bathroom.

That’s where my memory of the evening ends. My friend tells me we walked down the street to another bar, where according to her I made out with some guy. Again I say, I have no memory of any of this. She some how got me out of there and into a cab. A few falls and a couple of stops to puke along the way, we made it safely to my apartment. To this point, all she found odd was that I had only had a couple of drinks and was sick. She says she thought to herself it was odd, because I can usually drink a lot more and am perfectly fine. I spent the better part of the early morning puking.

The morning after I woke up to see if she was still on my couch but she was gone. I noticed I was still wearing my clothes from the night before, changed, and bee lined it back to the bathroom. The room was still spinning. I went to lye on my couch where I passed out for a few hours. When I woke up again I noticed a hickey on my neck (are we in the 8th grade?) and text messaged her to ask about it. It’s when I learned what had happened after we left the Saddle Ranch. I figured I was ok, so I called my friend and told him to come on over and I hit the shower. While in there, the room started spinning and I got sick again. I bundled myself up and went to lie down, I started shivering and was freezing cold. I passed out.

At some point my friend came over (luckily he has keys to my place) and thought I was on drugs. He says it took him about an hour to get me to wake up. He kept asking what I was on and all I could say was that I was hungover. After a few hours, I finally woke up. We talked about the night before and how sick I had been and realized I had been slipped a date rape drug. After analyzing the events in my head a few times, I put two and two together and thought it had to be the bartender. That night, my friend spent the night with me to make sure I was ok and says I fell asleep talking and was out cold until the next day after 14 hours of sleep.

I share this so other women out there can be aware of their surroundings. I have always been very cautious, I don’t take drinks from strangers, I never put my drink down anywhere. Could my friend and I have done anything differently? Maybe. But my point is that if it could happen to two women in their late 20s, who consider themselves very street smart, it can pretty much happen to anyone. The lesson learned here is NOT to take free drinks from anyone, even the bartender. I don’t wish what happened to me on anyone and thankfully, I wasn’t taken advantage of. But the feeling of not remembering anything at all the next day, is bad enough. The thought that there is a human being that would do that to a person is sickening. What did he get out of it? Nothing. And for all he knows that very dangerous drug could have killed me. In the long run, I’m thankful it was just me. I can’t even begin to imagine what would have happened if we were both drugged. My friend is a tiny little person. If that crap had the effects it had on me, it might have killed her.

My point? Be careful ladies. We really can’t walk around trusting anyone, even bartenders. 

Written by bitterbetty

September 2, 2008 at 11:44 pm

Posted in Rants

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Wine and Technology – Bad Combo

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I think alcohol should come with a warning label about technology. Three glasses of wine and a visit to MySpace can equal disaster. So two nights in a row I have enjoyed the yummy taste of red wine. And then, once my brain has soaked up all the booze, I decide popping the laptop open and visiting social networking sites is a brilliant idea.

There’s this guy I pined over for about 11 years, yes 11 years. He was my first love that never got very far. We were the best of friends and then in 9th grade we kissed and it all went to the shits. He got all weird and after a while stopped talking to me. Only problem was I never got over him. He was my first kiss and at the very mature age of 14 I decided I wanted him to be the last. Obviously he did not feel the same way. So, a VERY long story short, for years I stalked him. There is no better word to describe my behavior. If i saw him on the street I would follow him. Then in college, I found out where he worked and made many visits to his store. But it only got better with time. I was convinced we were star crossed lovers and that I had to make it work. I tried running into him so many times. We’d see each other and pretend we didn’t know each other. Then I wrote some lame letter telling him I was still in love with him and actually put it in the mail and sent it. I was crushed when I never heard back. Can you say crazy!? So finally on the eve of my 25th birthday I followed him one last time, and realized I was nuts. I stopped cold turkey.

Search after search I found him on MySpace. I don’t know what I was hoping for, but what I did find was that he was in love with a beautiful girl. I cried for a few days and moved on. I had been living in peace for years thinking I was dead to him. I was humiliated at all the stuff I had done and had no desire to see him or talk to him.

Until Sunday night and three bottles of wine later (I had help drinking all that). We were pretty smashed and decided to jump online. I searched for him and found him. It’s then that I had the brilliant idea to email him and apologize for being so crazy and congratulate him on life. Obviously I still have a little crazy in me. I began to draft the email and luckily began sobering up too. I stopped. Closed my laptop and told myself that it was a crazy thing to do.

Monday night I had left over wine that needed to be finished, I obliged. I had a warm buzz going and decided to check email. Seriously, a warning sign would be good! I went to MySpace and told myself I would just look one last time. Then I started drafting the email yet again. I texted my cousin before hitting the send button and she stopped me, thankfully! She did ask a very valid question – what do you think you will acheive from emailing him?

She got me. Fifteen years later I still have a ridiculous ouce of hope that he is my soulmate. I am not in any way attracted to him anymore. I have no idea who he has become, but the 13 year old that lives in my heart is still in love with that 14 year old I met the first day of eighth grade. I’ve cut myself off cold turkey again. No looking on his MySpace page – I have to put $1 in my crush jar everytime I look. On the other hand, one has to wonder why I’m still holding on by a string. And why the universe insists in keeping in proximity of each other – his mother lives on the other side of the street from my mother and we work down the street from each other….

Written by bitterbetty

August 27, 2008 at 1:07 am

Posted in Uncategorized

The weekend of seasons ending

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Happy Monday. Note that should be said without a twang of bitterness. What’s up with Connie today? Well Connie went to Outside Lands in SF this weekend. Her good friend got hurt (sadface) and Connie stepped in.

Something about live music and cute boys that just made Connie okay. Ask her if she got any numbers and she’ll use her stitches as an excuse but at least the weekend made her happy, err me happy. From Devendra to M.Ward, Wilco, Tom Petty — the list goes on but needless to say hot boys were everywhere. Drunk mostly, but hot none the less.

On Sunday, the last day of the concert, I randomly saw a boy I had met the previous week in the park. We made eye contact and I smiled and that was that. It was enough to give me hope that I am not the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Betty yelled at me for not accidentally running in to him (in the physical sense). He was with a group of people getting people to register to vote. I am bad at this whole flirting and dating thing. It also doesn’t help that my favorite romance movie, Now Voyager is about unrequited love. But I’m working on it Betty, really I am.

A new leaf? Nope, it’s just Monday and almost September. Silly or not, I always considers starting fresh in September just like the school year. It doesn’t matter that I’ve haven’t started classes since finishing college and my master’s degree.

Fall is here and that makes me happy. I love fall. Something about growing up in the Midwest with the leaves changing and the crisp air just reinvigorates me. I think that this will be good. I think part of my optimize comes with spending the weekend with one of my friends who is in a very positive and happy relationship. She’s good at remaining friends and having a relationship. I often give her mad props because it can be difficult to balance the two and I think she does it well.

Lessons learned: Outdoor concerts have plenty of hot men who have similar interests to moi. Next time I’ll chat one up or I’ll just lie and tell everyone I did.

Written by Rachel

August 25, 2008 at 10:48 pm

And it’s time for the weekend

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With that said, I have my way too short dress and way too high heels in the car and am ready for my Friday night adventures. I’m trying my damn hardest to be positive and non-bitchy this evening. And that can only last until one of my friends from the relationship cult erks me the wrong way. It’s then I plan to remind them what is so fun about being single. What is that you ask? For one, I look better than ever, when most of them have pudged on the relationship pounds, mean? Maybe just a little. Then there’s the part that I can still talk to anyone in a bar and even go home with them if my heart desires. What else is great about being single? Hmm, can’t think of much more, but I’m sure there is plenty.

So with my slutty little dress, let me rephrase that, my hot and sassy little number, I plan to be on my A game and channel my inner Samantha Jones. They all say that’s who I most resemble, so I’m going to be my alter ego for the evening. I’ll be positive and secure and pretty and sexy and HOT. And with that I leave you.

Have a wonderful weekend and cheers to all the single ladies!

Hugs!

Written by bitterbetty

August 23, 2008 at 12:58 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Fog City

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It has been like winter. The weather is gloomy. I am gloomy. I am totally no fun at all. I need a swift kick in the pants.

New goal. Moving back to actually wanting to go on dates and self-improvement. A) Getting rid of my 90s style over grown eye-brows. Please, it’s a personal thing. B) Realizing that I cannot put my worth into an online dating profile. It’s hard not to when you’ve carried the balls. You know, man-up’d to wink, write e-mails and haven’t even gotten a nice no thank you response. Hell, I’d even respect him if he said no way, celebrity slut. C) Getting off my ass to run again. For this, I need to wait until I’m a bit more healed but dudes, running makes my head clear. D) Getting over past crushes. I think that’s the biggest thing. Safety is knowing that you like someone but nothing can ever happen. Safety is also being alone in my case. I need a cleanse a good slap on the wrist and a good-at-life speech.

Betty, I feel like I’m a Hallmark card right now. Let’s see if I can make this last. Bets? One week? One day? One hour?

Written by Rachel

August 20, 2008 at 4:09 pm